looking up

Things seem to be looking up. Today I had a great interview with Teach for America, and I am really excited about the opportunities that I could possibly have if I get a spot in the corps. I really think that they have an admirable goal and I hope that I can help kids that did not get the same privileges that I had when I was growing up and help them find a way to succeed despite the challenges that they face. Hopefully if I get a spot with TFA I will get to do social studies or history on the junior high level. It just sounds like a good place for me. I don't know yet where I want to be stationed. Maybe here in Texas, maybe somewhere totally different. We'll just see what happens and I think that no matter what it is, it will be positive and a good step for me in my life right now.

He just let me go, he didn't even put up a fight. He didn't try to get me to change my mind. He didn't tell me I was wrong. He didn't fight for me. He has never fought for me. So why is it that I still feel like I made the wrong decision and all I want to do it call him and beg him to have me back?

rain

I know that I did it for the right reasons and I know that he understood but ever since then I can't help but feeling like I've made a mistake, lost one of my best friends and the only guy who has ever really cared about me. But then I know realistically in the back of my mind that it never would have worked in the long term with us. I just want these feelings to go away!!!! I'm tired of crying and being all depressed.

ugh

I should be studying for sociology but my mind is elsewhere. It has been really hard for me to concentrate on anything since I've come to this series of realizations about my relationship. It will be really good to have spring break next week so that I can just deal with everything that I need to. It just sucks that basically none of my friends will be there for me to talk to. Everyone is either not on break or in other states or countries for that matter. But I know that this is something I have to deal with on my own anyway.

It's so ironic that things can be going so well in some aspects of my life and so utterly devastatingly confusing in other aspects. Why is it that the one bad thing seems to bring down everything else? I mean I'm about to graduate from college, I have all these amazing opportunities in front of me and I'm worried about a boy. A boy who is not even worried about me, even though we have been together for three years. It's just so devastating to actually hear him say that he does not care where I go or what I do next year, like he doesn't even want to be a part of my life...

So maybe I should move somewhere completely new. Maybe if I do get stationed in Texas for TFA I will do my contract and then apply to law school in a different state and go there and start a new life. Maybe I need a chance to start over and move on. Definitely move on...

thinking...

I think that I have reached a decision... I'm not thrilled about it and it definitely is not the easiest decision to make, but sometimes you just have to do what you know in your heart is necessary. I'm not firm in my convictions yet though, and I have no idea how to do this, I just know that we both deserve the truth in our relationship and at the very least I need to put everything out there and give him a chance to tell me how he feels about it. This is so hard... I feel like one of the orphans from the movie Annie- "It's a hard-knock life!"

my pets

I miss my pets, I soooo wisch we could have pets in our apartment. Something about having pets around is just so comforting. And seeing as we have four cats and one dog at my house I'm pretty used to having them around. Lightning is like the sweetest chocolate lab in the entire world and my kitty violet is cute and cuddly. The other two indoor cats are crazy and my outdoor kitty angel loves when you pet her and scrathc behind her ears.

I was just thinking about how comforting things are but it's probably more the normalcy of having them around and how what is normal is comforting. What if you remove some source of constancy in your life? Not only are you removing something you care about but also a source of comfort... doesn't sound like something I would do willingly. So why am I considering it???

Letting go

Question: Why is letting go so hard?

Answer: unknown.

When you get a good thing in life, it's hard to let go of. Understandably. But what if not letting go is actually hindering you? What if there might be something better out there, and you're just too scared to find out? There is a good chance that is me. I wonder, I question but I'm definitely afraid to let go. Loving someone is so complicated. I respect him and I care about him, I want him to succeed and I want to help him get where he wants to go in life and go there with him. But he doesn't seem to want the same thing anymore. When I try to help it's like I'm just annoying him and it makes me wonder. When I want his opinion on my life, he won't give it because it's supposedly my decision, like he's not important. But he is important to me, his opinion does matter to me. It took me time, but I figured out where I wanted to go with my life and I want the same thing for him and more than anything I want to be a part of that. But it seems more and more like that may not happen. I have to tell him he needs to do something, but how do you tell someone that and accept letting him go as the only other option?

Revised Answer: Letting go is hard because there are too many ifs in life. You never know where your decisions will lead, which makes making a decision particularly difficult.

contemplative

Things seem to have a way of sneaking up on you. Today for instance, I'm sitting here reading and I just start wondering what it is that I am doing in my life, in my relationship with my boyfriend. The first part of that question has been kind of shaky up until recently. I figured out what I really want to do next year, which is teach for america, and now I'm on my way to getting there. But the second part... it's still a mystery. We have been together almost three years but there is something odd going on in our relationship right now. I find it hard to express these thoughts in any other terms but in writing. I don't know how to talk to him about it, I don't talk to my friends about it because it always seems like they just want to say the right thing that will make me happy, but sometimes that doesn't really help. So I write. I think we are at an impass- I am about to graduate from college and he has still yet to really begin. We seem to be at two different places in our lives and suddenly we are having trouble reconciling how they fit together. We are very different people but that is one of the things I love about him. But how different is too different? I'm starting to think that we are each on one end of the spectrum and maybe it is irreconcilable. Can you love someone and at the same time know that it may never work?

How do I know that if I let him go, he was not truly the one for me?