Life and Love

Today happens to be Valentines Day so no surprise I'm thinking about love and what impact it has on my life. Today I feel truly loved by all my wonderful friends and of course my family who always makes it known that they love me unconditionally. I feel loved by life and the small blessings and favors it shows me every day: little things like a possibility for an internship, the beautiful snow a couple days ago, conversations with good friends that let you know everything will be all right.

But occasionally things catch me off guard... seeing someone unexpected that has hurt me in the past, far enough in the past that I feel I should be over it yet some how seeing them still makes my heart beat faster... realizing that someone who was in my life and such a significant part of my life just a year ago I don't even talk to anymore, and the feeling of loss, not necessarily lost love but just loss of one of the best friends I've ever had... not knowing when or how love like that will enter my life again... it's difficult, and it makes my heart hurt a little. But then I realize that for now I have all the love and support that I need (although more is always welcome, lol) thanks to the friends and family that help me keep it together on a daily basis.

On a different note, it feels weird being 22. 21 seemed like the age i would never get to much less ever get older than and now I'm 22 about to start my life outside of the protected world we call college. I'm scared and excited at the same time because I know that there are many challenges ahead of me but it's a new adventure and while usually that scares me, I believe I have become more adventurous lately and am ready for it.

That's enough for today, time to do some hw and not fail some tests.

new year, new me (now how many times have you heard that before?)

Last year at this time i never would have thought that I would be where I am now. I thought I would have left Denton, gone to law school or teach for america, but I'm still here working on getting another degree and looking for a full time job in the DFW area. In many, if not most, respects I'm glad that things have worked out the way they did. Had it not been for these unexpected turns in my life I would not have met some really amazing people that I now consider to be some of my closest friends. So the last 7-8 months of 2009 were pretty good to me.

2010. well it's the year I was supposed to graduate and I guess I will be a part of the class of 2009 and 2010 because thankfully I will be able to finish my second degree by may. People always make the same new years resolutions and I guess mine aren't really all that unique. But here they are: keep my act together and finish my last semester (no, really the last one this time); eat healthier, workout more (not necessarily to lose weight just to be a healthier me, cuz for once in my life I am actually happy with myself as I am which is a big accomplishment in and of itself). Really my goal is to stay on the same path that I have been on because since I have made some changes in my life, as of last spring, I have come leaps and bounds in the sense of just being happier in my life and my self, and I am very proud of that.

So that's my first post of the new year, hopefully more to come.

let it out

Time for me to write a little something because it has been too long and writing always makes me feel better, right? I've been so crazy busy since school started up again. While studying with a friend today we were reminiscing about the our wonderful summer where we could stay up late, go out, do pretty much whatever we wanted (of course we had to go to work but it wasn't so bad) and now we have all these responsibilities, work, school, studying, papers... the list goes on. but at least I will get to go to my first hockey game care of Melissa on wednesday which will definitely be fun.

These last 4, 5, 6 (not sure exactly) months have really enlightened me. I found out that I was missing out on so much of, not just my college experience, but my life waiting on someone to call me, being worried about being able to see that person when I went to houston to visit and on and on. I think that the most important thing I have learned is that living in the present and having fun in your life is important. I've opened myself up to new people and new experiences and that has definitely been a benefit for me. Granted, I've gotten hurt doing this I don't know that I'm fully over it yet and my feelings about the person who hurt me are still up in the air. But that's all a part of it right? Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. You've just got to put yourself out there. You know that saying, "you live and you learn"? Well I'm trying the whole living part. I've done plenty of learning in school and I've been hiding behind my books for too long now. Life has taught me some hard lessons. Most people don't really understand as much about me as they think they do... I haven't had it easy my whole life, there have been plenty of obstacles that I have had to overcome that make me the person I am today, looking back on it all, I don't regret a thing. All of my experiences make me who I am today and I've recently come to realize that I like that person and I don't really think she needs to change.

I know that's a lot of random rambling but I feel better getting all my thoughts out of my head and it makes sense to me. all my little realizations about life in general and my life specifically just make more sense when I get it all out there. So I'm out for now, laterz.

what can you do?

What can you do when you want something that you know is wrong for you but you go on wanting it anyway? It's like you know all the flaws up front, you know that this probably isn't right for you, you know that you don't act like yourself when you're around this thing you want. Why do you continuing wanting it? Why do you want those things that aren't good for you? You've been there before, been hurt before because you tried to make it work with something that was bad for you... and here you are again. A different kind of bad for you but none the less, it's not good. So, what do I do????

confusion

I trusted him. I let it go because he told me that he wouldn't hurt me and I believed him. How stupid am I? Being ignored and avoided hurts just as much if not more than if you would just tell me that you dont want to see me again. because now I'm just sitting here confused as to whether or not you like me. Most of the time the answer seems like no, but then you give me a glimmer of hope indicating maybe you do... oh well, sadly I like you enough that I will continue to wait for you to figure out what it is that you want from me. and if, well lets be realistic, when you decide that you don't actually like me, it will hurt even more. thanks for telling me you wouldn't hurt me.

emotions

Tonight I was watching America's Got Talent and they had this amazing brother-sister singing trio and they just had the emotional story that made me really feel for them. The little girl (who has the most amazing voice I have ever heard!!) was nine years old, the same age I was when my mom had her accident, so I really understood when they were talking about their mom who was hit by a drunk driver and spent 8 months in a coma. I just totally felt their pain and it made me sad that other families have been through what I have been through and worse. It's just so not fair (and yes, I know life isn't fair) that nice people who have nothing to deserve this pain are subjected to it. It's not fair that families have mothers taken away from them by careless people and random accidents. Because I know from experience, even though my mom is still here, she has never been the same and I have not been able to have a mother daughter relationship with her since then because of the accident. It took away a part of my mom and I could tell that it was the same for these kids. And what's worse is that their mom was almost killed by a drunk driver. It absolutely disgusts me that someone who is not in control would get in a car and not only risk their own life, risk hurting the people that care about them, and risk some innocent persons life just for their own recklessness and a good time. What disgusts me even more is how long I put up with people that are those reckless people in my own life. At least now I know better and know that they won't be able to hurt me in that way. If I knew the person that I am talking about read this (doubtful, but who knows) I would tell them that they should have enough respect for themself, and know that there are so many people that care about you and if you continue along this path you will hurt them (myself included because no matter how hard I try I still do care). I'm just putting it out there, reckless behavior hurts, divides and destroys families. It's not fair and I don't wish what I have gone through or what these kids have gone through on my worst enemies.

Paris, France

One day I WILL go to Paris. That is my dream vacation. I don't know how long it will take me to save to go there but one day, I will go. Once I get a real job, I will officially start saving, the goal would be to go before I'm 30. That seems like a long way away but I've been dreaming of going there since I was like 10, so hopefully I can make it. There are just so many great places to go see, and all the culture and history that is there to experience. It would be such a dream come true. I think the only reason I subjected myself to 5 years of French classes was because I loved the country (of course the language is romantic, but anyone who knows me knows that I am far from fluent in French). The Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomph, the Louvre, the Champs Elysees, Moulin Rouge, Notre Dame... ah, I just want to go expereince all of it. And then go to the south of France and visit the country side, drink wine and see all the chateaux.

...one day.