let it out

Time for me to write a little something because it has been too long and writing always makes me feel better, right? I've been so crazy busy since school started up again. While studying with a friend today we were reminiscing about the our wonderful summer where we could stay up late, go out, do pretty much whatever we wanted (of course we had to go to work but it wasn't so bad) and now we have all these responsibilities, work, school, studying, papers... the list goes on. but at least I will get to go to my first hockey game care of Melissa on wednesday which will definitely be fun.

These last 4, 5, 6 (not sure exactly) months have really enlightened me. I found out that I was missing out on so much of, not just my college experience, but my life waiting on someone to call me, being worried about being able to see that person when I went to houston to visit and on and on. I think that the most important thing I have learned is that living in the present and having fun in your life is important. I've opened myself up to new people and new experiences and that has definitely been a benefit for me. Granted, I've gotten hurt doing this I don't know that I'm fully over it yet and my feelings about the person who hurt me are still up in the air. But that's all a part of it right? Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. You've just got to put yourself out there. You know that saying, "you live and you learn"? Well I'm trying the whole living part. I've done plenty of learning in school and I've been hiding behind my books for too long now. Life has taught me some hard lessons. Most people don't really understand as much about me as they think they do... I haven't had it easy my whole life, there have been plenty of obstacles that I have had to overcome that make me the person I am today, looking back on it all, I don't regret a thing. All of my experiences make me who I am today and I've recently come to realize that I like that person and I don't really think she needs to change.

I know that's a lot of random rambling but I feel better getting all my thoughts out of my head and it makes sense to me. all my little realizations about life in general and my life specifically just make more sense when I get it all out there. So I'm out for now, laterz.

what can you do?

What can you do when you want something that you know is wrong for you but you go on wanting it anyway? It's like you know all the flaws up front, you know that this probably isn't right for you, you know that you don't act like yourself when you're around this thing you want. Why do you continuing wanting it? Why do you want those things that aren't good for you? You've been there before, been hurt before because you tried to make it work with something that was bad for you... and here you are again. A different kind of bad for you but none the less, it's not good. So, what do I do????

confusion

I trusted him. I let it go because he told me that he wouldn't hurt me and I believed him. How stupid am I? Being ignored and avoided hurts just as much if not more than if you would just tell me that you dont want to see me again. because now I'm just sitting here confused as to whether or not you like me. Most of the time the answer seems like no, but then you give me a glimmer of hope indicating maybe you do... oh well, sadly I like you enough that I will continue to wait for you to figure out what it is that you want from me. and if, well lets be realistic, when you decide that you don't actually like me, it will hurt even more. thanks for telling me you wouldn't hurt me.

emotions

Tonight I was watching America's Got Talent and they had this amazing brother-sister singing trio and they just had the emotional story that made me really feel for them. The little girl (who has the most amazing voice I have ever heard!!) was nine years old, the same age I was when my mom had her accident, so I really understood when they were talking about their mom who was hit by a drunk driver and spent 8 months in a coma. I just totally felt their pain and it made me sad that other families have been through what I have been through and worse. It's just so not fair (and yes, I know life isn't fair) that nice people who have nothing to deserve this pain are subjected to it. It's not fair that families have mothers taken away from them by careless people and random accidents. Because I know from experience, even though my mom is still here, she has never been the same and I have not been able to have a mother daughter relationship with her since then because of the accident. It took away a part of my mom and I could tell that it was the same for these kids. And what's worse is that their mom was almost killed by a drunk driver. It absolutely disgusts me that someone who is not in control would get in a car and not only risk their own life, risk hurting the people that care about them, and risk some innocent persons life just for their own recklessness and a good time. What disgusts me even more is how long I put up with people that are those reckless people in my own life. At least now I know better and know that they won't be able to hurt me in that way. If I knew the person that I am talking about read this (doubtful, but who knows) I would tell them that they should have enough respect for themself, and know that there are so many people that care about you and if you continue along this path you will hurt them (myself included because no matter how hard I try I still do care). I'm just putting it out there, reckless behavior hurts, divides and destroys families. It's not fair and I don't wish what I have gone through or what these kids have gone through on my worst enemies.

Paris, France

One day I WILL go to Paris. That is my dream vacation. I don't know how long it will take me to save to go there but one day, I will go. Once I get a real job, I will officially start saving, the goal would be to go before I'm 30. That seems like a long way away but I've been dreaming of going there since I was like 10, so hopefully I can make it. There are just so many great places to go see, and all the culture and history that is there to experience. It would be such a dream come true. I think the only reason I subjected myself to 5 years of French classes was because I loved the country (of course the language is romantic, but anyone who knows me knows that I am far from fluent in French). The Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triomph, the Louvre, the Champs Elysees, Moulin Rouge, Notre Dame... ah, I just want to go expereince all of it. And then go to the south of France and visit the country side, drink wine and see all the chateaux.

...one day.

my love- arts&crafts

My project for the last week has been refinishing and painting this old nightstand that I had painted more than ten years ago (never let 10 year olds design or use acrylic paints to do their own furniture!!!). It now fits in with the style and colors that I have in my room now and will decorate my new room with in my new apartment. I had so much fun doing it that I'm now searching for more projects to do. I just have to find things that don't cost too much money! maybe my next project will be designing some kind of artwork/pictures/cool-thing to go in my living room. I must admit... I am a crafty person, haha.

Excitement!!!

I finally signed a lease for an apartment today! And the search started off pretty bad too. I went to the place that I've had my eye on since I started looking but it turned out that they didn't have any apartments in my price range that fit my move in date. So I was totally bummed and figured what the heck it couldn't get any worse so I might as well check out this place that owns a bunch of properties. We went to the first apt which was nice but cost too much. The next place was really small, kinda run down, and smelled funny. So on the way to the third place I was just kind of losing faith in the search. It turns out this place is right across the street from my apt now and doesn't look like anything special from the outside. But we go inside and it has just been remodeled and it is soooooooo cute! There are stained concrete floors throughout the place; in the living space there is like this polka dot pattern and in the bedroom it's more subtle. The kitched has the coolest tile backsplash and for a one bedroom, it is a really good size. And there is an orange accent wall in the living space and a blue one in the bedroom that matches my bedroom stuff perfectly!!! I'm just so psyched right now, words can't even explain it!!

So a total bummer of a day that started off early and kind of sucky, ended wonderfully with a new, awesome apartment!! and oh wait, the day isn't even over yet!! hopefully more excitement will come!

A crazy analogy

Question of the day: Why does love always feel like a battlefield?

Yes, I am aware that this is the title of a popular song, but every time I hear it, it gets me thinking. It's not just a battlefield in the sense that you fight with the person you love. It's the whole metaphor of getting ready for and going into battle. When you go into a relationship, you have all of your defenses up and you're ready for a fight- a fight for love, a fight to find the love of your life. And as it goes on, your defenses get torn down and you become more vulnerable and at the same time you get more involved- both emotionally and physically. And at the climax of the battle you either win by finding that love and getting to keep it or you lose by getting your heart broken because you took off all your armor in order to really become involved in this love- but in the end it only hurts you more. But even if you lose, you know you're going to do it again, after you heal from your battle wounds, you realize that it's worth it to find something so valuable.

And thus, I learn my lesson- I've been through the battle. Though my wounds are not yet healed, one day I will be ready to go back in.

Lists make me happy

Today was...
long
tiring
an emotional roller-coaster
just kind of blah all around

Yesterday was...
way more exciting than today
not an emotional roller-coaster
still long
also tiring
not blah at all
but made me think too much
made me question

Tomorrow will be...
amazing because no work
relaxing
laundry day
grocery day (there is no edible food in my apt.!!)
emotionally rebuilding and rejuvenating
reading/tanning at the pool day

(they are lofty goals, but at least if you shoot for the moon and miss you will land among the stars :))

oh summer...

I want to be all excited about this summer, my first one not going home to my family, my first summer in 3 years being single, my first summer as a college graduate. But instead of being excited it's kind of sad and I'm nervous about all of this.

Nothing worked out the way it was supposed to this semester. Instead of going to law school or doing TFA, I am staying at UNT and getting another degree. So it kind of feels like I'm not really moving on and accomplishing a whole lot. I know that in the long run it will all be worth it. And I mean, I finished my first degree in only 3 years and this next one will only take another year so I'm still finishing both in 4 years. I'm just trying to accept that everything happens for a reason and this will all work out better for me in the end.

As far as being in Denton, most of my firsnde went home and it's been kind of lonely here these last 2 weeks. It will be really great when one of my room mates moves back in this weekend! I think things will get more exciting soon though with more people around. But right now I'm working a lot and it's really exhausting, hopefully that will slow down some soon too.

I'm starting to come to terms with being single though and realizing that I really did do the right thing. I know it has taken some time, maybe it seems like too much time to some people, but we had dated for 3 years and we only broke up a couple months ago. Personally, I think that I am handling it pretty well. I really want to get back out there though and start meeting new people and just try and be open to new things.

I'm just hoping that this summer will be the start of a new phase in my life. New, different, exciting and challenging. And hopefully I will be able to be open to whatever life throws at me and take things as they come.

anxious

I am feeling rather anxious about next monday, because that is when I finally find out whether I get a spot in the Teach for America Corps. I really hope I do but if that is not what happens then that is what is meant to be and I will move on. I just really hope it happens because I am excited about the prospect of being able to go somewhere new and exciting, start a new and make a difference in the lives of many children.

It has been kind of difficult the last few weeks but I feel like I am moving toward a better place and can see the decisions that I made in perspective. I feel better being able to see that I did the right thing and it will feel even better when I have totally moved on. But for now I am definitely getting there, slowly but surely.

Other than that, graduation is coming up fast, in only 31 days!!! basically a month from tomorrow!! It is exciting but scary all at the same time. I want to graduate but it means leaving the safe haven of my school world where I can just hide behind my books and keep learning indefinitely. But it is time that I get out into the "real world" and "make something of my life" like all parents tell us we have to do eventually. oh life, it is tricky and throws us some nasty curves but eventually we will get where we want to be. I just have to continue to persevere.

Forests

So back in high school one of my best friends and I had this thing where we would say that we needed to "escape to our forest" and basically that meant that we needed to go to this metaphorical calm and peaceful place. Just like getting lost inside a forest and having no interaction with other people and just being able to be by yourself and think. Well today I was having a hard time with everything and I decided to go rollerblading to clam myself down and be able to think clearly. I went to this park and out on one of the trails there is a lake and I just sat down by it while the wind was blowing and the sun was shining and I just felt this incredible sense of calm and clarity that I don't think I have felt for years. I remember back sophomore and junior year when I was able to get away from everything and feel like this but life has just been so busy and crazy that I don't think I have actually tried to find that sense of calm at least in the memorable past.

I feel so much better now. I know that things will work out however they are supposed to. And I have realized that I can let go and move on. Life can be calm and peaceful and positive if I give it the chance to be that way instead of always layering it with stress and anxiety. So I'm really glad that I have been able to see this and hopefully move on to better things! :)

looking up

Things seem to be looking up. Today I had a great interview with Teach for America, and I am really excited about the opportunities that I could possibly have if I get a spot in the corps. I really think that they have an admirable goal and I hope that I can help kids that did not get the same privileges that I had when I was growing up and help them find a way to succeed despite the challenges that they face. Hopefully if I get a spot with TFA I will get to do social studies or history on the junior high level. It just sounds like a good place for me. I don't know yet where I want to be stationed. Maybe here in Texas, maybe somewhere totally different. We'll just see what happens and I think that no matter what it is, it will be positive and a good step for me in my life right now.

He just let me go, he didn't even put up a fight. He didn't try to get me to change my mind. He didn't tell me I was wrong. He didn't fight for me. He has never fought for me. So why is it that I still feel like I made the wrong decision and all I want to do it call him and beg him to have me back?

rain

I know that I did it for the right reasons and I know that he understood but ever since then I can't help but feeling like I've made a mistake, lost one of my best friends and the only guy who has ever really cared about me. But then I know realistically in the back of my mind that it never would have worked in the long term with us. I just want these feelings to go away!!!! I'm tired of crying and being all depressed.

ugh

I should be studying for sociology but my mind is elsewhere. It has been really hard for me to concentrate on anything since I've come to this series of realizations about my relationship. It will be really good to have spring break next week so that I can just deal with everything that I need to. It just sucks that basically none of my friends will be there for me to talk to. Everyone is either not on break or in other states or countries for that matter. But I know that this is something I have to deal with on my own anyway.

It's so ironic that things can be going so well in some aspects of my life and so utterly devastatingly confusing in other aspects. Why is it that the one bad thing seems to bring down everything else? I mean I'm about to graduate from college, I have all these amazing opportunities in front of me and I'm worried about a boy. A boy who is not even worried about me, even though we have been together for three years. It's just so devastating to actually hear him say that he does not care where I go or what I do next year, like he doesn't even want to be a part of my life...

So maybe I should move somewhere completely new. Maybe if I do get stationed in Texas for TFA I will do my contract and then apply to law school in a different state and go there and start a new life. Maybe I need a chance to start over and move on. Definitely move on...

thinking...

I think that I have reached a decision... I'm not thrilled about it and it definitely is not the easiest decision to make, but sometimes you just have to do what you know in your heart is necessary. I'm not firm in my convictions yet though, and I have no idea how to do this, I just know that we both deserve the truth in our relationship and at the very least I need to put everything out there and give him a chance to tell me how he feels about it. This is so hard... I feel like one of the orphans from the movie Annie- "It's a hard-knock life!"

my pets

I miss my pets, I soooo wisch we could have pets in our apartment. Something about having pets around is just so comforting. And seeing as we have four cats and one dog at my house I'm pretty used to having them around. Lightning is like the sweetest chocolate lab in the entire world and my kitty violet is cute and cuddly. The other two indoor cats are crazy and my outdoor kitty angel loves when you pet her and scrathc behind her ears.

I was just thinking about how comforting things are but it's probably more the normalcy of having them around and how what is normal is comforting. What if you remove some source of constancy in your life? Not only are you removing something you care about but also a source of comfort... doesn't sound like something I would do willingly. So why am I considering it???

Letting go

Question: Why is letting go so hard?

Answer: unknown.

When you get a good thing in life, it's hard to let go of. Understandably. But what if not letting go is actually hindering you? What if there might be something better out there, and you're just too scared to find out? There is a good chance that is me. I wonder, I question but I'm definitely afraid to let go. Loving someone is so complicated. I respect him and I care about him, I want him to succeed and I want to help him get where he wants to go in life and go there with him. But he doesn't seem to want the same thing anymore. When I try to help it's like I'm just annoying him and it makes me wonder. When I want his opinion on my life, he won't give it because it's supposedly my decision, like he's not important. But he is important to me, his opinion does matter to me. It took me time, but I figured out where I wanted to go with my life and I want the same thing for him and more than anything I want to be a part of that. But it seems more and more like that may not happen. I have to tell him he needs to do something, but how do you tell someone that and accept letting him go as the only other option?

Revised Answer: Letting go is hard because there are too many ifs in life. You never know where your decisions will lead, which makes making a decision particularly difficult.

contemplative

Things seem to have a way of sneaking up on you. Today for instance, I'm sitting here reading and I just start wondering what it is that I am doing in my life, in my relationship with my boyfriend. The first part of that question has been kind of shaky up until recently. I figured out what I really want to do next year, which is teach for america, and now I'm on my way to getting there. But the second part... it's still a mystery. We have been together almost three years but there is something odd going on in our relationship right now. I find it hard to express these thoughts in any other terms but in writing. I don't know how to talk to him about it, I don't talk to my friends about it because it always seems like they just want to say the right thing that will make me happy, but sometimes that doesn't really help. So I write. I think we are at an impass- I am about to graduate from college and he has still yet to really begin. We seem to be at two different places in our lives and suddenly we are having trouble reconciling how they fit together. We are very different people but that is one of the things I love about him. But how different is too different? I'm starting to think that we are each on one end of the spectrum and maybe it is irreconcilable. Can you love someone and at the same time know that it may never work?

How do I know that if I let him go, he was not truly the one for me?