My project for the last week has been refinishing and painting this old nightstand that I had painted more than ten years ago (never let 10 year olds design or use acrylic paints to do their own furniture!!!). It now fits in with the style and colors that I have in my room now and will decorate my new room with in my new apartment. I had so much fun doing it that I'm now searching for more projects to do. I just have to find things that don't cost too much money! maybe my next project will be designing some kind of artwork/pictures/cool-thing to go in my living room. I must admit... I am a crafty person, haha.
I finally signed a lease for an apartment today! And the search started off pretty bad too. I went to the place that I've had my eye on since I started looking but it turned out that they didn't have any apartments in my price range that fit my move in date. So I was totally bummed and figured what the heck it couldn't get any worse so I might as well check out this place that owns a bunch of properties. We went to the first apt which was nice but cost too much. The next place was really small, kinda run down, and smelled funny. So on the way to the third place I was just kind of losing faith in the search. It turns out this place is right across the street from my apt now and doesn't look like anything special from the outside. But we go inside and it has just been remodeled and it is soooooooo cute! There are stained concrete floors throughout the place; in the living space there is like this polka dot pattern and in the bedroom it's more subtle. The kitched has the coolest tile backsplash and for a one bedroom, it is a really good size. And there is an orange accent wall in the living space and a blue one in the bedroom that matches my bedroom stuff perfectly!!! I'm just so psyched right now, words can't even explain it!!
So a total bummer of a day that started off early and kind of sucky, ended wonderfully with a new, awesome apartment!! and oh wait, the day isn't even over yet!! hopefully more excitement will come!
Question of the day: Why does love always feel like a battlefield?
Yes, I am aware that this is the title of a popular song, but every time I hear it, it gets me thinking. It's not just a battlefield in the sense that you fight with the person you love. It's the whole metaphor of getting ready for and going into battle. When you go into a relationship, you have all of your defenses up and you're ready for a fight- a fight for love, a fight to find the love of your life. And as it goes on, your defenses get torn down and you become more vulnerable and at the same time you get more involved- both emotionally and physically. And at the climax of the battle you either win by finding that love and getting to keep it or you lose by getting your heart broken because you took off all your armor in order to really become involved in this love- but in the end it only hurts you more. But even if you lose, you know you're going to do it again, after you heal from your battle wounds, you realize that it's worth it to find something so valuable.
And thus, I learn my lesson- I've been through the battle. Though my wounds are not yet healed, one day I will be ready to go back in.
Today was...
long
tiring
an emotional roller-coaster
just kind of blah all around
Yesterday was...
way more exciting than today
not an emotional roller-coaster
still long
also tiring
not blah at all
but made me think too much
made me question
Tomorrow will be...
amazing because no work
relaxing
laundry day
grocery day (there is no edible food in my apt.!!)
emotionally rebuilding and rejuvenating
reading/tanning at the pool day
(they are lofty goals, but at least if you shoot for the moon and miss you will land among the stars :))
I want to be all excited about this summer, my first one not going home to my family, my first summer in 3 years being single, my first summer as a college graduate. But instead of being excited it's kind of sad and I'm nervous about all of this.
Nothing worked out the way it was supposed to this semester. Instead of going to law school or doing TFA, I am staying at UNT and getting another degree. So it kind of feels like I'm not really moving on and accomplishing a whole lot. I know that in the long run it will all be worth it. And I mean, I finished my first degree in only 3 years and this next one will only take another year so I'm still finishing both in 4 years. I'm just trying to accept that everything happens for a reason and this will all work out better for me in the end.
As far as being in Denton, most of my firsnde went home and it's been kind of lonely here these last 2 weeks. It will be really great when one of my room mates moves back in this weekend! I think things will get more exciting soon though with more people around. But right now I'm working a lot and it's really exhausting, hopefully that will slow down some soon too.
I'm starting to come to terms with being single though and realizing that I really did do the right thing. I know it has taken some time, maybe it seems like too much time to some people, but we had dated for 3 years and we only broke up a couple months ago. Personally, I think that I am handling it pretty well. I really want to get back out there though and start meeting new people and just try and be open to new things.
I'm just hoping that this summer will be the start of a new phase in my life. New, different, exciting and challenging. And hopefully I will be able to be open to whatever life throws at me and take things as they come.
I am feeling rather anxious about next monday, because that is when I finally find out whether I get a spot in the Teach for America Corps. I really hope I do but if that is not what happens then that is what is meant to be and I will move on. I just really hope it happens because I am excited about the prospect of being able to go somewhere new and exciting, start a new and make a difference in the lives of many children.
It has been kind of difficult the last few weeks but I feel like I am moving toward a better place and can see the decisions that I made in perspective. I feel better being able to see that I did the right thing and it will feel even better when I have totally moved on. But for now I am definitely getting there, slowly but surely.
Other than that, graduation is coming up fast, in only 31 days!!! basically a month from tomorrow!! It is exciting but scary all at the same time. I want to graduate but it means leaving the safe haven of my school world where I can just hide behind my books and keep learning indefinitely. But it is time that I get out into the "real world" and "make something of my life" like all parents tell us we have to do eventually. oh life, it is tricky and throws us some nasty curves but eventually we will get where we want to be. I just have to continue to persevere.
So back in high school one of my best friends and I had this thing where we would say that we needed to "escape to our forest" and basically that meant that we needed to go to this metaphorical calm and peaceful place. Just like getting lost inside a forest and having no interaction with other people and just being able to be by yourself and think. Well today I was having a hard time with everything and I decided to go rollerblading to clam myself down and be able to think clearly. I went to this park and out on one of the trails there is a lake and I just sat down by it while the wind was blowing and the sun was shining and I just felt this incredible sense of calm and clarity that I don't think I have felt for years. I remember back sophomore and junior year when I was able to get away from everything and feel like this but life has just been so busy and crazy that I don't think I have actually tried to find that sense of calm at least in the memorable past.
I feel so much better now. I know that things will work out however they are supposed to. And I have realized that I can let go and move on. Life can be calm and peaceful and positive if I give it the chance to be that way instead of always layering it with stress and anxiety. So I'm really glad that I have been able to see this and hopefully move on to better things! :)
